Cultivating Boredom

My job sometimes allows/requires me to stand for hours at a time in front of a magazine rack. Out of boredom, I have compiled a list of magazine cover generalizations.

Tabloids:

• Must have at least one headline about Oprah
• Someone must be dying from and/or being cured of cancer
• New information on Princess Diana’s death must be revealed every week
• There must be at least two pictures of celebrities with fat highlighted

Women’s/Cosmo-ish:

• There must be at least one list of something, anything.. and it must include at least 2,000 entries. Ex: “3,721 spring dresses!”, or “5,000 ways to know he’s cheating on you!”
• There must be at least two smaller lists ranging from 100 to 2,000 entries.
• Sex sells. The word “Sex” must appear in large, bold letters somewhere on the cover at least three times. Also, “Orgasm” must be on the cover somewhere, but not necessarily as large as “Sex”.

Men’s:

• On every issue, the largest headline on the cover must be about how to get a six pack. No exceptions.
• The guy on the cover must be either a B-list celebrity or an athlete.
• There will be one list of 100-3,000 tips about sex, money, or getting a six pack.

Celebrity:

• There must be a picture of a celebrity’s baby on the cover somewhere.
• Celebrities have first names only. Politicians have last names only.
• Every celebrity magazine will have the same story or picture on the cover and they will all claim to have exclusive photos